英语幽默笑话集锦

◆Teacher: “Tommie, what do you know about the Dead Sea?” Tommie: “I didn‟t even know it was ill.”

◆Teacher: “Here is a world map. Who can show us America?”(Tom goes to the map and finds America on it. )Teacher: “Now, tell me, boys, who found America?” Pupils: “Tom.”

◆A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group of happy and cheerful children carrying schoolbags with the caption at the bottom: “On TheirWay to School”. “I think it‟s mistaken. They must be on their way home after class, I‟msure!” the boy concluded.

◆Geography teacher: “What is the consequence of the breaking up of the former Soviet Union?”Student: “ It means that we have more names of new countries to remember.”

◆Math teacher: “Now remember, class, statistics don‟t lie, For example, if twelve men could build a house in one day, one man could build the same house in 12 days. Do you understand what I mean? Jack, give me an example.” Jack: “You mean that if one boat could cross the ocean in six days, six boats could cross the same ocean in one day.” Biology teacher: “Johnnie, can you give a familiar example of the human body thatadapts itself to changed conditions?” Johnnie: “Yes, ma‟am. My aunt gained 50 pounds in a year, and her skin never cracked.”

◆Teacher: “Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” Student: “Well, the days are much longer in the semmer than in winter.” ◆Mary has been going to primary school for a week. At the end of the first week her father asked her: “Which period do you like best at school, dear?” May thought for awhile and answered: “I like the break period best.”

◆During the final examination, some pupils were so eager to answer the questions that they forgot to fill in the blanks for the class, name, date, etc. on the front page of the examination paper. The teacher considered it necessary to remind them of filling all the blanks. She declared: “Now, attention please! Fill in all the blanks before you do the questions.” “Shall I fill the blank for the marks?” one pupil asked.

◆A teacher was asking a pupil in her class.” Tommie, how many persons are there in the classroom?” “Forty-one, including you, ma‟am, ”Tommie answered.” Then, how many are left when I go out?” the teacher asked again.” None, madam.”

◆“What do you think of the relationship between „deceit‟, „failure‟ and‟ success‟?” the 1st pupil asked the 2nd pupil. “I think deceit will lead to failure,” the second answered. “Yes, ”the first pupil went on,” but failure is the mother of success.” “So no deceit, no success, ”concluded the 1st pupil.

◆Teacher: “Why are you often late for school?” Student: “Because the sign said: School Zone, Go Slow!”

◆Phys. teacher: “Which travels faster, heat or cold?” Student: “Heat. You can catch cold.”

◆Math. teacher: “Now we find that X is equal to zero. “Student: “Gee!All that workfor nothing!”

◆Chem. teacher: “Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 19th century?”Student: “They are all dead, sir.”

◆Music teacher: “Who is the famous tenor in our city? And who is the famous bass?”Student: “When my father denou- nces me, he is a famous tenor. When he speaks to my mother, he is a bass.”

◆“Who was the first President of the United States?” a history teacher asked one of her student. The student thought for a long time, but didn‟t say any-thing. Then the teacher got angry and shouted, ”George Washington!” “Come back!” the teacher said, ” I didn‟t tell you to go.” “Oh, I‟m sorry,” the student said, ”I thought you called the next student.”

◆Medical prof: “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisoous mushrooms ?”Student: “Recommend a change of diet.”

◆Literature prof. : “Tell me one or two things about John Milton.” Student: “Well he got married and he wrote „Paradise Lost‟. Then his wife died and he wrote „Paradise Regained‟.

◆English prof. : “What is the difference be- tween an ac- tive verb and a passive verb ?Stud. : “An active verb shows ac- tion and a pa- ssive verb shows passion. “

◆Grammar teacher: “A noun is the name of a per- son or a thing. Now, who can give me a noun ?”First pupil: “A cow.” Teacher: “Very good. Another noun?”Second pupil: “Another cow.”

◆Prof. : “Before we begin the examination are there any questions?”Stud. : “What‟s the name of this course?”

◆First student: “Did the music teacher act- ually say your voice was hea- venly?” Second student: “Well, she did say it was u- nearthly.”

◆First student: “Which is the longest word in the English Language?”Second student: “I don‟t know. Would you like to tell me what it is?”First student: It‟s “smiles”. Second student: “That isn‟t very long. Only six letters.” First student: “But there is a mile between the first and the last letters.

◆Teacher: “Can you tell me what a fish-net is made of?”Pupil: “A lot of little holes tied together.”

◆Once two pu-pils were tal-king about thesun and the moon. “Which of themis more useful?”asked one of them. The other an-swered, ”Oh, I know. The moon is. The

moon is in the sky at nightwhen it is dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody wants it.”

◆Voice on tele-phone: “John is ill and can‟t attend classes today. He re- quested me to notify you.” Prof. : “All right. Who is this speaking?”Voice: “This is my roommate.”

◆Prof. : “What are you reading. Tom?”Stud. : “I don‟t know.” Prof. : “You don‟t know?You were reading aloud, so you must know.” Stud. : “I was reading aloud, sir, butI was not listening. “

◆At a college examination a professor said: “Does the ques-tion embarrass you?” “Not at all, sir, ”replied thestudent, ”not atall. It is the answer that bo-thers me.”

◆Friend: “What is your son going to be when he‟s passed his final exam ?”Father: “An old man.”

◆Reporter: “What is the profe- ssor‟s research work?”Prof. „s house-keeper: “It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.”

◆“Professor, whydo you use threepairs of eyegla-sses?” “Yes, one pairfor long sight,one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two.”

◆Teacher: “Billy, what‟s a syno- nym?”Student: “It‟s word you used in place of another one when you can not spell the other one.”

◆Father: “Well, son , what‟s your place on the school-list this month?”Son: “I‟m twenty -sixth.” Father: “How many pupils are there in your class?”Son: “Twenty-six. “

(A month later)Father: “Well, son , what‟s your place on the list now?”Son: “Twenty- seven. Father: “How can that be?If I remember co- rrectly, there are only twenty-six in your class.” Son: “Oh, no, we have a new boy now.”

◆During a Christmas exam, one of the ques-tions was: “What causes a depre-ssion?”One of the students wrote: “God knows!I do not know. Merry Christmas!”The exam papercame back with the prof. „s no-tation: “God gets100, you get zero. Happy New Year!“

◆The more we study, the more we know. The morewe know, the morewe forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less weforget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?

◆The professorrapped on his rostrum and shouted: “Gentle-men, order!” The entire class yelled: “Beer!”

◆“If the Deandoesn‟t take back what he siad to me thismoring, I‟m goingto leave college.” “What did he say?” “He told me toleave college.”

◆The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second ex-amination question, which read: “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “1492-none.”

◆Prof. : “Wake up that student next to you.” Stud. : “You do it yourself, professor,you put him to sleep.”

◆Prof. : “You can‟t sleep in my class.” Stud. : “If you don‟t talk so loud I could.”

◆“Our economicsteacher talks tohimself. Does yours?” “Yes, but he doesn‟t realize it. He thinks weare listening.”

◆“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind, ”said the teacher as he erased the blackboard.

◆First stud. : “The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.” Second stud. : “Huh!Next thing he‟ll be asking us to stop smoking, too.”

◆Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.” Stud. : “ No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!”

◆A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor, “Your last paper was very diffi-cult to read, ”said the profe-ssor, ”Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to under-stand it.” “Yes, sir, ”saidthe student, “what part didn‟t you get?”

◆The professor was delivering the final lec-ture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis onthe fact each sutdent should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final exami-nations.” “The examina-tion papers arenow in the handsof the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?” Silence prevai-led. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired: “Who is the prin-ter?”

◆Prof. : “Never mind the date. The examina- tion is more important.” Stud. : “Well, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”

◆Mary had beento school for the first time. “Well, darling, what did you learn?” asked hermother, when Marycame back home. “Nothing, ”sighed Mary hopelessly, ”I have got to go back again tomo-rrow.”

◆One morning Professor Blankwas going to meet his studen-ts in the after-noon, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: “Profe-ssor Blank will meet the class this afternoon.” Some student, seeing his chance to dis-play his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “C”in the word “class”. The pro-fessor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the “C”erased-calmly walked up and erased the“l”in “lass”, looked at the flabbergastedstudent and pro-ceeded on hisway.

◆Teacher: “Henry, what are the three works which some of you use most often in class ?”Henry: “I don‟t know.” Teacher: “Correct.”

◆Teacher.” Mary, why don‟t wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.” Mary: “What was it?”Teacher: “Eggs.” Mary: “Wrong, tea- cher. That was yesterday.”

◆Teacher: “What is an abstract noun, Jane?”Jane: “I don‟t know, madam.” Teacher: “What, you don‟t know ?Well, it‟s the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. “Jane: “A red-hot poker.”

◆First stud. : “How are a teacher and a railroad conductor alike?”Second stud. : “I don‟t know. Can you tell me?”First stud. : “One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.”

◆“Aren‟t you ashamed of your-self, Henry?”saidthe headmatser, ”You are the worst pupil in your class.” Henry replied, “What‟s that gotto do with me?Isit my fault thatthe worst one was transferredto another school yesterday?”

◆Little Smith came home fromwith a new bookunder his arm. “It‟s a prize, mother, ”he ex-plained. “A prize?What for, dear?” “For zoology. Teacher asked mehow many legs anostrich has and I said three.” “But an ostrichhas only two legs.” “I know it now. But all the pu-pils said four, so I was closest.”

◆An absent-min-ded professor was lecturing on anatomy. “To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to ex-amine it very carefully.” The professorunwrapped the parcel and saw that it contain-ed two sandwich-es and a boiled egg. Astonished, theprofessor said: “I was sure I hadeaten my lunch, but where is thefrog?”

◆First stud. : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”Second stud. : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.” First stud. : “My gods, the entire history of England was on them.”

◆A son at colle-ge wrote his father: “No mon, no fun, your son. “The father an-swered: “How sad, too bad, your dad.”

◆“Say, dad, reme-ber that storyyou told me about when youwere expelled from college?” “Yes.” “Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that historyrepeats itself.”

◆“Where have you been for the last four years?”“At college taking medicine. ““And did you finally get well?”

◆The much pre-occupied profe-ssor walk intothe barber‟s shop and sat in a chair next to a woman who washaving her hairbobbed. “Haircut, please, ”ordered the professor. “Certainly, ”said the barber. “But if you really want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?” The professorhurriedly re-moved his hat. “I‟m sorry, ”heapologized as helooked around.” Ididn‟t know there was a lady present.”

◆Teacher: “Didn‟t Henry help you to this sum?”Pupil: “No.” Teacher: “Are you sure he didn‟t help you?”Pupil: “No, he did not help me, he did it all.”

◆Teacher: “What do you call the last teeth we get?”Pupil: “False teeth.”

◆Geog. teacher: “What have the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”Pupil: “Nothing execpt to make the geography lessons harder.”

◆Teacher: “What animal is sa- tisfied with the least nou- rishment?”Robert: “The moth , teacher. It eats nothing but holes.”

◆“What he shapeof the earth?”asked the tea-cher of Jane. “It‟s round, ”Jane said. “How do you know it is round, Jane?” “Oh, it‟s square. I don‟t want tostart an argu-ment about it.”

◆A school tea-cher who had been telling a class of smallpupil the story of the discoveryof America by Columbus endedwith: “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.” A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment‟s thought: “Gee!What a good memory youhave got.”

◆Teacher: “What are the pro- ducs of Cuba?”Boy: “I don‟t know.” Teacher: “Come, come!Where do you get sugar from?”Boy: “We borrow it from the next-door neighbour.”

◆Teacher: “The earth has an attractive power;that power is known as gravity. It is, in fact, the law of gravity which prevents us from being thrown off the earth as it revolves.” Pupil: “Please, teacher, how did we keep on the earth be- fore the law was passed?”

◆Teacher: “In the old days men were often put in prison with- out any proper reason;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad boy: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- cized yester- day because I didn‟t do my homework?”

◆Teacher: “Tommy, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”

◆First pupil: “What word be- comes shorter if you add two letters to it?”Second pupil: “Oh , I know. It‟s” short”.

◆Professor Blank: “Hasn‟t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don‟t think he intends to, because he‟s studying for a bachelor‟s de- gree.”

◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “Well, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”

◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New York school. One day she said to herclass, ”Now, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sametime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearlier, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered, ”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But then, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because when it‟s eleven o‟clock here, it‟s eight o‟clock in LosAngeles.”

◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shington noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Teacher: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo- nument to it.”

◆Stud. : “I‟m in- debted to you for all I know.”Prof. : “Oh, don‟t mention such a mere trifle.”

◆During a na-tural historylesson at school, Mary was asked to give the nameof an animal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar bear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher frowned repro-vingly.” Come, come!Mary, ”she said, ”Polar bears are not to be found in South Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that‟swhy it would bepeculiar.”

◆First student: “There is a guy in our school who‟s a real know-it-all. So I told him no- body liked that attitude. “Second student: “And what did he say?”First student: “He said he al- ready knew that.”

◆At college Percy fell intoa cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He didnot realize howlong he had neg-lected writing his family untilhe received thefollowing note: “Dear son, Your mother and I en-joyed your lastletter. Of course, we were much younger then, andmore impressio-nable. Love Dad.”

◆Mary began to go to school atthe age of six years old. She spent her firstday happily. Butat the end of the second day, when the other children left the classroom, she stayed be-hind and waited. “Why didn‟t you go with the others, Mary?”herteacher asked kindly.”Did you want to ask me aquestion?” “Yes.” “What is it?”the teacher asked. “What did I do in school today?”The teacher laughed. “What did you ask me that, Mary?” “Beause I‟m going to go homenow, ”Mary an-swered, ”and my mother is going to ask me.”

◆One day one ofthe girls in Rose‟s class said to her, ”Miss Rose, why does a man‟s hair become grey before his mus-tache and beard do?” Rose laughed and replied, ”I don‟t know. Who can answer the question?” Then one ofthe boys said, ”I know, Miss Rose!Men‟s hair be-comes grey first because it‟s sixteen years older than their mustaches and beards.”

◆As a freshman, George had to take a course inwestern civili-zation from a certain profe-ssor--his father. “What is it like to have your dad for class?”he was constantly asked. “Not as stran-ge as you might think, ”he re-plied.” My father has been lec-turing me all my life. I just never had to take notes be-fore.”

◆Teacher: “What happens when there is an eclipse of the sun?”Pupil: “Many peo- ple go out into the streets to look at it.”